1 THE QUEEN OF HEARTS * 1 □R G^fie Queen of Hearts, She made some tarts All on a summers day. The Knave of Hearts, He stole those tarts And took them quite away The King of Hearts Called for the tarts And beat the Knave full sore. The Knave of Hearts Brought back the tarts And vowed he'd steal no more. How was the trial...? Oh... fair, just fair.. It was like this — THE TRIAL AND THE TARJS *There was a little One-eyed gunner Who killed all the birds " Whether this is so or not is not verifiable. However, it is known that such birds as died are indeed dead’! L International doctrine . If ft he King and Queen of Hearts were seated on their throne ^®jwhen they arrived, with a great crowd assembled about them— all sorts of little birds and beasts, as well as the whole pack of cards: the Knave was standing before them, in chains, with a soldier on each side to guard him; and near the King was the White Rabbit, with a trumpet in one hand, and a scroll of parchment in the other. A Report from Lewis Carroll’s ALICE’S ADVENTURES IN WONDERLAND WHO STOLE THE TARTS? J[ n the very middle of the court was a table, with a large dish of tarts upon it: they looked so good, that it made Alice quite hungry to look at them— 7 wish they'd get the trial done! she thought, "and hand round the refreshments:' But there seemed to be no chance of this, so she began looking at everything about her to pass away the time. The twelve jurors were all writing very busily on slates. “ They’re putting down their names” the Gryphon whis- pered, “for fear they should forget them before the end of the trial.” stupid things!" Alice began in a loud indignant voice, but she stopped herself hastily, for the White Rabbit cried out “Silence in the Court!’' and the King put on his spectacles and looked anxiously round, to make out who was talking. Consider your verdict” the King < _ said to the jury. Vail the first witness’’ said the ‘Not yet, not yet!” the Rabbit hast- King,* and the White Rabbit blew ily interrupted, ’‘There's a great three blasts on the trumpet, and deed to come before that!” called out, “First witness!” this the White Rabbit blew three blasts on the trumpet, and then unrolled the parchment scroll, and read as follow “The Queen of Hearts, she made some tarts, All on a summer day: stole those tarts, took them quite away. F The first witness was the Hatter, these in, butlhadrit quite finished He came in with a teacup in one hand my tea when I was sent for!' and apiece of bread-and-butter "You ought to have finished',' in the other. 7 beg pardon, your said the King. "When did you majesty ,”he began/ for bringing begin?" The Hatter looked at the March the Dormouse. Hare, who had followed him “Fourteenth of March, I think into the court, arm-in-arm with it was," he said. ‘Fifteenth’, ’said, the March Hare. “Sixteenth! added the Dormouse. Write that down,’ the King said their slates, and then added to the jury, and the jury eagerly them up, and reduced the answer wrote down all three dates on to shillings and pence. King said to the Hatter. "It isn’t mine',' said the Hatter. “Stolen!" the King exclaimed, turning to the jury, who instantly made a memorandum of the fact. “I keep them to sett',' She Hatter added as an explanation “I've none of my own . I’m a hatter. This did not seem to encourage the witness at all; he kept shift- ing from one foot to the other, looking uneasily at the Queen, Ilere the Queen put on her spectac- les and began staring hard at the Hat- ter, who turned pale and fidgeted. a Give yourevidence!sa\d the King; "and don't be nervous, or I'll have you executed on the spot!' in his confusion he bit a large piece out of his teacup instead of the bread-and-butter. the Hatter began in a trembling the bread-and-butter getting voice, ‘and I hadn't but just be- so thin — and the twinkling of gun my tea— not above a the tea—' L The twinkling of what?' said. the King. It began with the teafXhe Hatter replied. Of course twinkling begins with a T!” said the King sharply: “Do you take me for a dunce? Go on!’ 'Tm a poor man the Hatter went on, 7 didn’t!" the March Hare inter- act/ most things twinkled after rupted in a great hurry. that— only the March Hare said— fYou did!" said the Hatter., "I deny it f said the “Well, at any rate, the Dormouse said- March Hare. the Hatter went on, looking anxiously round "He denies it!’ said the to see if he would deny it too; but the Dor- King: “leave out that part!’ mouse denied nothing, being fast asleep . After that’,’ continued the Hat- ter, “I cut some more bread- and-butter — ” tAu must remember ,' 'remarked the King, “or I’ll have you executed’.’ The miserable Hatter dropped his teacup and bread-and-butter, and But what did the Dormouse say?" one of the jury asked. "That I carit remember ? said the Hatter. went down on one knee. I’m. a poor man, your majesty'he began. “You’re a very poor speaker, ” said the King. L “If that’s all you know about it, 1 can’t go no lower, said, the Hatter, you may stand down',' continued “I’m on the floor, as it is! Then you the King^. may sit down,’ the King replied. Here the other guinea pig cheered the Hatter, with an anxious and was suppressed. look at the Queen, who was 7d rather finish my tea," said reading the list of singers. Vou may go, "said the King, and the Hatter hurriedly left the court ~ ~ And just take his head off outside, the Queen added to one of the offi- cers; but the Hatter was out of sight before the officer could get to the door. The next witness was the Duchess’ cook. Give your evidence] said, the King. White Rabbit, who said in a “Shan’t ” said the cook. low voi ee^Your majesty must The King looked anxiously at the cross-examine this witness” Well, if l must, I musf’the King the cook till his eyes were nearly said with a melancholy air, and, after out of sight, he said in a deep folding his arms and frowning at voice, ‘ What are tarts made of?” — - Never mind',' said, the King, with an air of great relief. “Call the next witness’.' Alice watched the White Rabbit as he fumbled over the list. Imagine her surprise, when he read out the name, “Alice!'' Pepper, mostly” said the cook. Dormouse! Turn that Dor- “Treacle ” said a sleepy voice behind mouse out of court! Suppress her. ‘'Collar that Dormouse!” the him! Pinch him! Off with Queen shrieked out. “Behead that his whiskers!” For some minutes the whole by the time they had settled court was in confusion getting down again, the cook had the Dormouse turned out, and, disappeared. Unimportant, of course, 1 meant,” the as if he were trying which word King hastily said, and went on to sounded best. Some of the jury himself in an undertone, “important— wrote it down “important" ansi some ummportant-~unimportarU-4rnportcmt- of them “unimportant.” What do you know about this bus- “Nothing whatever?' persisted inessTihe King said to Alice. the King. “Nothing’,’ said Alice. “Nothing whatever,” said Alice. That’s very important ? the King said, Unimportant, your majesty means, turning to the jury. They were just begin- of course? he said in a very res- ning to write this down on their slates, pectful tone, but frowning and mak- when the White Rabbit interrupted; ing faces at him as he spoke. Wko is it directed to?”said one of the jurymen. “It isn't directed at all',' sax d the White Rabbit, “7)2 fact, there's nothing written on the outside’.’ We unfolded the paper as he spoke, and added, 7/ isn’t a letter after all, it’s a set of verses!’ Are they in the prisoner’s handwrit- ing?” asked another of the jurymen. “No, they’re not,” said the White Rab- bit, “and that’s the queerest thing about it (The jury all looked puzzled.) There’s more evidence to come yet, please your majesty’,’ said. the White Rabbit, jumping up in a great hurry, “this paper has just been picked up ’’ What’s in it?” said the Queen. “I haven’t opened it yet!' said the White Rabbit, “but it seems to be a letter, writ- ten by the prisoner to— to somebody. “It must have been that’,’ said the King, “unless it was written to nobody, which isn’t usual, you know. "He must have imitated somebody else’s hand,” said the King. (The jury all brightened up again.) Please your majesty ” said the Knave “I didn’t write it, and they can’t prove I did: there’s no name signed at the end” “If you didhtsign it’,' said the King, “that only makes the matter worse. You must have meant some mis- chief, or else youdhave signed your name like an honest man’.’ There was a general dapping of hands at this: it was the first really clever thing the King had said that day. “That proves his guilt, ’’said the Queen. Alice. “Why, you don't even know “It proves nothing of the sort',' said what they're about!” “Read them”sa\a tne King, me wnne KaDoupui on ms spectades. “Where shall 1 begin, please your majesty ?” he asked. “Begin at the beginning! the King said grave- ly, “and go on till you come to the end: then stop ! L They told me that you had been to her “She gave me a good character. And mentioned me to him. But said I could not swim. If she should push the matter on. What would become of you? l gave her one, they gave him twc You gave us three or more; They all returned from him to you , Though they were mine before. My notion was that you had been An obstacle that came between (Before she had this fit ) Him, and ourselves, and it. Don't let him know she liked them best, A secret, kept from all the rest. For this must ever be Between yourself and me ” If I or she should chance to be Involved in this affair. The most important evidence yet’,’ If any ^ one of them can explain, it, said, said the King, rubbing his hands, Alice, “I'll give him sixpence. I dorit be- “so now let the jury — ” lieve there’s an atom of meaning in it!’ The jury all wrote down on their King, “that saves a world of trou- slates, “She doesn’t believe there’s an ble, you Know, as we needn’t try , to atom of meaning in if but none of find any. And yeti don’t know, he them attempted to explain the paper, went on, spreading out the verses on “If there's no meaning in if said the his knee, and looking atthemwith one eye; “I seem to see some meaning in ^ " v them, after all— said I coula not he added, turning to the Knave. swim’— you can't swim, can you. T' The Knave shook his head sadly i l / of course — 7 gave her one, gave him two ’ — why, that be what he did with the know — ” All right, so bar’’ said, the King, and he went on muttering over the verses to himself:“ ‘We know it to be true'- — that's the But it goes on ‘they all re- turned from him to you, said Alice. Why, there they are!” said the King, triumphantly, pointing to the tarts on the table. “Nothing can be clearer than fits, my dear, I think?” de said that. Then again — ‘before she to the Queen. had this fit— you never had “Never!” said the Queen, furiously Then said the King, looking round with a smile, was a dead silence. Its a pun,’\he King added in an the King said for about the twentieth angry tone, and everybody laughed, time that d ay. “No, no!’ said the Queen, “Let the jury consider their verdict. ’’ “Sentence first— verdict afterward. ” Stuff and nonsensefsdxA Alice loudly Queen, turning purple. “I wont!" said “ The idea of having the sentence Alice. “Off with her head!” the Queen first!” “Hold your tongue!" 'said the shouted at the top of her voice. L, At this the whole pack rose up into to beat them off, and found herself the air, and came flying downupon lying on the bank, brushing away her; she gave a little scream, half of some dead leaves that had fluttered fright and half of anger, and tried down from the trees on to her face. Nobody moved. “Who cares for you? ’ said Alice, ‘ You’re nothing but a pack of cards. !”